The Evil Terrorist Yellow-Jacket Encounter

The terrorist yellow-jacket episode.

This is a bit late for the initial intent which was to warn parents, especially, of the interesting phenomenon that occurred between myself and a very vicious insect – the infamous yellow-jacket. But it’s worth it I think. Maybe for next year. 

September is usually grape picking season for me. We have four types of grapes, some really, really sweet and some a little less so. 

I should preface this with the fact that I am not afraid of yellow-jackets, wasps, hornets, or any type of bee, be it fly bee, honey bee, or bumble. I love the bumbles. Usually if one ignores them they just ignore you right back. One summer I actually witnessed and have photos of a hive migration right in my own back yard pear tree. It was fascinating.

Anyway, before harvesting my grapes I usually cut back all cluttery foliage so that I can see what I’m doing. 

I should also mention that yellow-jackets are carnivores. They like sweet things and fight the hummingbirds for their sugar water but they are true carnivores. I’ve watched in horror as they devour dragon flies alive and little birds and other meaty creatures. They are cruel in that.

So my Kay Grey grapes were ready for harvest and I began. About half way through I reached behind a leaf only intent on pulling a lovely fat skein from its branch and suddenly was treated to the most horrifyingly painful shock. Right between my pointer and middle finger of my left hand! It was excruciating! I pulled my hand back and there between my fingers right in the nice tender fleshy part was a yellow-jacket clinging fiercely to my skin. I shrieked and shook my hand which only made him bite deeper and inject whatever killing poison it carried straight into my hand. When I finally disengaged it my hand was burning with an electrical surge so intense I thought I would pass out. I cursed the damn thing but that did not help matters. In that moment of freakish pain I tried to determine what would be the most sensible thing to do but of course as soon as my brain recognized my dilemma it vacated the premises and left me there with only my shock and confusion to guide me – much like it deserted me when I fell down the sinkhole on the boulevard. 

So I tried to decide whether I should lie down on the ground in case I would faint and then hit my head and knock myself out whereupon the evil yellow-jacket would descend on my unconscious body and eat me alive. I did not want that. 

All this is happening at breakneck speed and the electrocution effect was growing and expanding throughout my entire hand and heading up my arm. The pain was phenomenal. Next thought is should I call an ambulance. What if I’m going into anaphylactic shock? How do I even know what that feels like? And if that is the case I would probably be dead by the time the ambulance came. So, in the absence of brain power I made what I thought was a fairly sensible compromise. I bent over at a 45 degree angle holding my body up with my right hand on the pavement and waited to see whether I would faint or just fall dead. Would I stop breathing and have a heart attack or what? 

The yellow-jacket had returned to the grapes, the evil little devil. My hand throbbed. I had never experienced this type of pain. It truly resembled electric shock but kept magnifying over and over like repeated application of current.

Finally I returned to the upright position and decided I had to get something to put onto the bite to stop the pain. Yellow-jackets I believe have two methods of attack, one from their butt and one from their pincers. I couldn’t spot a stinger so decided that it must have been trying to incorporate my finger into its diet.

Here’s where it gets scientifically interesting. Making it into the house I dug into the medical supplies and found a squirt bottle of Benadryl, ‘the itch cooling spray’. HA! I shook it and sprayed it between my fingers and Holy Shit! The whole thing, the shock, the pain, the intensifying, overwhelming current took on a whole new turn. It just kept increasing by the second. I thought I would pass out again and hit the porcelain and knock myself out. (Seems I have a fear of doing that at any time for any reason. I was a fainter starting at a very young age so I was traumatized by it.) 

Had to get the Benadryl off so I turned on the water faucet and of course as is typical it takes a while for the warm water to emerge and because I just wanted to wash off the Benadryl I shoved my hand into the cold stream of water and Good God!!! Another spasm of pain, another increase in the electrical current, unbelievable! It didn’t make sense. As I cringed in fear at whatever was happening to me the water began to warm and curiously the pain started to ebb. What was going on? 

At this point my brain decided it could return and assess the situation. Was there something in the cold water that allowed for an increase in the electrical force surging through my hand? Something to do with the temperature or electrons that could increase current intensity? Because the Benadryl was cold coming out of the spray…Did the warmer water have fewer electrons and so collected them to sort of neutralize the electrocution effect? It was a conundrum that I intend to research. 

Over the course of the next three days every time my hand was introduced to cold water, which was often, the entire experience returned – numbing electrical pain that pulsated through my hand and blossomed into a profusion of undeniable freakishness. It took three days for the sensation just to lessen!

The message here to the parents of all the wonderful kids in our paved alley picking and tasting all the produce that we grow, grapes, apples, tomatos, raspberries, (our alley is fond of gardening as well as being prolific with children) is this: Don’t spray Benadryl on their yellow-jacket bites. Don’t try to soothe them with cold water. 

I did return to the grapes and picked as much as I needed in spite of the evil terrorist bastard yellow-jacket. 

My neighbor told me of a method to curtail at least some of that population. I used to put the bowl of sweet water with a dash of dish soap in it to catch them but they preferred the hummingbird feeder and would attack the hummers relentlessly, although the little birds are feisty and would never give up. 

The new method made sense as the evildoers are carnivores as well as fruit lovers. I made the bowl of water with a few drops of dish soap and then tied a piece of lunch meat, they like turkey from the deli, onto a small stick and placed the stick across the bowl of water with about an inch between stick and water - the deli meat on the bottom of the stick closest to the water. The yellow-jackets attack the meat and as they fly around getting a foothold they slip into the water and drown. I should electrify the water bowl just for revenge. It’s kind of gross once the meat is dried up and the dish is filled with dead bodies but then I just redo the whole thing and keep it nice and fresh for the kill.

And as I sit here at my computer several of the terrorists have mounted the hummingbird feeder, which is empty right now, and have flown into the window looking I suppose for the source of the wonderful pork loin dinner odors from last night. F***ers.